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The Only Freelance Horoscope You’ll Ever Need

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Self-employed journalists have been known to consult Tarot Cards, tea leaves, or the moles on their arms in search of professional wisdom. Here’s a tongue-in-cheek horoscope for freelancers who finds themselves in need of a little additional guidance. Be on the lookout for cosmic karma.

Just so you know, I’m not certified to do this, which means I’m definitely the right person for the job.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Miss your only deadline just to generate creative tension with your editor.

Ignore his panicked weekend calls.

Send an email on Monday explaining you don’t work on Shabbat.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Look for hidden meaning from your sources.

Deliberately misquote them.

Make them look “good.” They will thank you.

You will land a prestigious national assignment.

Dismiss rumors of the publication’s demise while asking for an advance.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Send an unsolicited manuscript to four publications.

Call editors repeatedly for weeks after sending.

Leave racy but “funny” voice mails to illustrate your hipness.

Register with Manpower.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You finally catch a break.

Double down and take the risk you’ve been avoiding.

People in your position don’t have much to lose.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Re-bookmark Craigslist writer posts, if only for a while.

See if current landlord will barter rent for personal ads like your last one.

Clean out your work in progress files.

Do it now.

Really.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Wear black in your headshot.

It will take ten pounds off.

Go for soft light for another ten.

Doubt consumes you.

Maybe it should.

Maybe it should not.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

You are inspired by an ingenious plan.

Inspiration continues to frighten you.

Wait until you are certain.

Stock up on Ben & Jerry’s.

Ice cream is on sale during the winter.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Today is a good day for starting a blog.

Carefully pick a topic based on Q Score rather than your limited knowledge on virtually every subject.

Delete your LinkedIn account—networking is for losers.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Listen to the voices inside your head.

They speak to you for a reason.

Now is not the time for debate.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Your extremely modest success is no cause for jealousy amongst your peers.

Misspellings in your byline mean good fortune ahead.

New pitches fall on deaf ears.

Your one request from an editor asks you to never submit again—ever.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Take some time off.

Freelance means free time to “be creative.”

Your combative nature over rate negotiations signals strength to editors.

Scoff at their “final offer.” They will regret not using you. Someday.

Make a big purchase today regardless of your ability to pay.

You deserve rewards despite what your mother says.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Today shows tremendous promise. Just not for you.

Identify your number one target publication and hound their features editor online.

Let her know what a mistake it is to ignore your calls.

Sit back and wait for her response.

Enjoy the silence.

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